To teach or not to teach

While Shakespeare’s 450th birthday sparked fresh debate about whether or not we should be teaching the Bard in American high schools, audiences in the US and abroad are now being treated to new and amazing venues for witnessing Shakespeare’s plays.

The new Chicago Shakepeare theater is configurable to allow for all manner of immersive theatrical experiences. And a replica Globe Theatre has popped up in Melbourne. These intimate spaces get audiences up close with the actors, the way Shakespeare’s plays were meant to be. And that’s important in a time when serious questions are being asked about the relevance of Shakespeare’s plays to today’s world.

Although I’m on the side of English teachers who insist on including Shakespeare in the curriculum, I also understand the point of frustrated teachers who feel the effort is too great. Reading even a single play can be time consuming and disheartening. The language is dense. The tragedies are depressing. I get it. But to those teachers, I say, take your kids on a field trip. Get them into a local theater. Or if that’s not in your budget, insist they perform scenes in a classroom, on a stage, on a basketball court. Have them film each other with selfie sticks as they read. Play it back and talk about the emotional experience of the plays: where they got it right and where they got it wrong.

The most important thing to remember when teaching Shakespeare is what theaters-goers around the world already know: it’s not about being able to read Shakespeare. It’s about connecting with the visual-emotional experience of the plays through sight and sound, motion and light and energy. Shakespeare is meant to be an oral, auditory experience. And the satisfaction of “getting” Shakespeare–even a single scene–is its own reward.

So take your students to the theater in Chicago or LA. Or create your own pop-up theater at school.

7 steps to understanding Shakespeare

Reading Shakespeare isn’t for everyone. Even some English teachers have argued that Shakespeare should be cut from the curriculum for a variety of reasons, including that it’s just plain hard. It can be as tough as reading a foreign language. As someone who’s had to defend Shakespeare against this argument (mostly recently with my plumber) I always say, stick with it. Understanding Shakespeare is a process. You’re not going to check it off your bucket list in an afternoon–at least not if comprehension is your goal. And if you’re really committed to understanding Shakespeare, let an expert help translate it into a language you can comprehend.

Here’s the advice I gave my recently retired plumber

1. First, select a category of Shakespearean drama. If you love a happy ending, pick a comedy (not from the list of problem plays). If you’re an English-history buff, try one of the histories. The tragedies have history too of the Roman variety. The tragedies also have romance, intrigue, and backstabbing (literal backstabbing as well as metaphorical). Decide what you’re up for to narrow down your options.

2. Next, pick a play you think you’ll like from within your selected category. Read the blurbs, the dust covers, the Wikipedia plot summaries, and homework help websites. Knowing what you’re getting into is always a good starting point. And picking a play to read is just like selecting any other book. You probably don’t blindly pluck a book off the shelf because someone told you that you should. Go through whatever selection criteria you typically use to pick a book from a recommended author.TIP: Pick a play that has a movie version available or that’s coming soon to a theater near you. A quick search on IMBD can tell you what’s on streaming video.

3. Then, buy a scholarly edition. Get one with scene summaries and footnotes. Nobody–I mean nobody–reads Shakespeare without help. Even the experts double check the scene summaries and reread the editor’s notes. These notes are there to translate words, lines, and entire scenes.

4. Read the play.

5. Watch the movie.

6. Read the play (again).

7. Rinse and repeat steps 5-6 until you’ve really got it.

Theater is meant to be a visual medium. Reading is too, but in a very different way. When reading, you translate the words on the page into images in your head. But when the language is written in late 16th century verse, your brain is already translating it from Renaissance English to contemporary English or American-English which can be like a whole n’other language.

Which is why it’s not cheating to let the experts do the translating for you.

Sassy, drunk, and acting

If “fat, drunk, and stupid is not way to go through life” then how about sassy, drunk, and performing Shakespeare? The newest twist on Shakespeare sees his plays being performed drunk on stage at the A.R.T.’s experimental space at the Oberon in Harvard Square, Cambridge, MA and in the midst of a crowded bar in Minneapolis, MN. Sh*tfaced Shakespeare and BARd Shakes popped up in college towns with just the right audiences for such events–trendy students and alumni hoping to stay trendy.

While audiences and actors imbibe, actors are forced to improvise around fellow players’ and waitstaff’s missed cues and quite literal missteps. The unpredictability may bear a greater resemblance to improv than traditionally scripted theater. And that’s okay. In Shakespeare’s day, actors spent very little time rehearsing and were heckled by audiences holding standing-room-only tickets. So who’s to say what’s traditional when it comes to Shakespeare?

You may not gain a deeper understanding of a Shakespearean comedy acted by drunken performers. Then again, maybe you will. The raw emotion that shines out of these uninhibited players could be a learning experience for all involved. It may not be up to par with Dean Vernon Wermer’s academic expectations. But it’s an A+ in my book.

Shakespeare on TV: renewed, canceled, and streaming

As TNT gives up on its “punk rock-esque 16th century London” interpretation of young Will Shakespeare one can’t help wondering if they should have tried something more in the style of a campy Young Frankenstein or played it straight like Young Sherlock Holmes.

Meanwhile the BBC has renewed its series featuring a midlife Shakespeare, Upstart Crow. The Beeb went for an historically accurate, anxiety-ridden Shakespeare, “wracked with worry and self-doubt.” No wonder it’s playing well. How could audiences not fall in love with a version of the most prolific and popular writer of his day (and many days that followed) playing the part of a social-climbing misfit? An overwrought Shakespeare feels right in these troubled times.

For those seeking meaning in the plays–a way to relate to them in our electronic age, the best show by far was and is Slings and Arrows. Available on DVD or streaming on Amazon, you don’t have to take my word for it; read the 241 five-star reviews. This Canadian series, featuring Paul Gross, interweaves the action of the plays (one play per six-episode season) with the lives of the actors performing the plays in this fictitious acting troupe. It’s smart and sexy and reminiscent of Tom Stoppard’s Shakespeare in Love without Stoppard’s rowdy humor.

Which begs the question, why hasn’t Tom Stoppard attempted an HBO series of Shakespeare in Love? For that matter, why hasn’t Joss Whedon extended his excellent adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing (featuring his Firefly cast) to the other plays? Heck, he could do the next one Firefly-style. Why not an Eastern-Western, sci-fi version of Twelfth Night, opening with a spaceship crashing in a foreign land? Or an Avengers, Wonder Woman-style, female-driven, superhero version of As You Like It?

Any accessible on-screen performance that makes the plays relatable gets a thumbs up from this viewer.

A Medieval Hero for Modern Times (full length)

As the drama of the 2016 US Presidential election drags on, I keep thinking about Margaret of Anjou, a little-known but key player in William Shakespeare’s history plays 1 Henry VI, 2 Henry VI, 3 Henry VI, and Richard III. She was the real-life wife of England’s King Henry VI during the most violent chapters of the War of the Roses. Margaret governed with her husband and tried to protect him as his cousins and uncles vied for control over Henry and the throne. Her untraditional role made her unpopular among the court and the general public, but earned her great trust among t her husband’s closest friends and allies. When the king’s cousin, the Duke of York, raised an army and attempted to overthrow Henry, it was Margaret who rallied the troops and led the opposition straight into battle.

Margaret interfered in politics, and that’s why the Duke of York hated her and called her unwomanly. York called her a “she-wolf” and labeled her “inhuman” when she thwarted his claim to the throne. He told her she shouldn’t be so proud, because she wasn’t that pretty. He called her a shameless slut, not because he believed the rumors that she was cheating on Henry, but because that’s what men do when women challenge their power.

Female academics studying these Shakespearean works have piled on with the damnation of Margaret, calling her  a crazy old hussy, a shrew and someone whose  behavior was worse than Lady Macbeth. Another woman scholar called Margaret “the most relentlessly sustained symbol in Shakespeare of all that is unnatural” and labeled her vile, ruthless, and “totally evil.” Margaret’s own biographer, Helen Maurer, called her a “bitch” on page one of her text. Esteemed historian Antonia Fraser called her “savage” and “cruel” because she did not “obey the orders and laws of men.”

Let’s be clear, Margaret was not a nice woman. But who requires that a man who desires to lead be a nice guy? And who needs nice when the fate of the country is on the line? Why bother with nice when your life, your husband’s life, and your child’s life hang in the balance of every political fight? Every one of the women who criticize Margaret overlooks the reality of her situation. Margaret’s only so-called crime was being a woman in a man’s job.

Ultimately, Margaret lost her battle, and her son and husband were murdered by their enemies. These men banished her to France as they claimed their victory. In real life, that’s where Margaret’s story ended. But not Shakespeare’s Margaret. Shakespeare’s Margaret stuck it out in England to continue resisting the men who knocked her down. She stuck it out because she had sadness and anger on her side. She did it because she had the energy to keep going. She did it because it was the right thing to do.

With nothing left to lose, Shakespeare’s Margaret takes on Richard III, the biggest chauvinist in the Shakespearean canon. We all know Richard murders his nephews, the two princes in the Tower, kills off his competition for the throne, and destroys his detractors and later the allies who question his methods. That’s just how he treats the men in the play. By Act 4, they seem like the lucky ones; they’re all dead. It’s the women who are forced to deal with him with nothing but their wits and their words to defend themselves and their daughters.

Richard seduces the grieving widow of a man he has murdered and then mocks her for accepting him. After she dies under questionable circumstances, Richard proposes marriage to his teenage niece. Her mother hurls insults at Richard and blows off the proposal. But he doesn’t get it. He assumes she has accepted and calls her a “shallow, changing woman.” And when his mother tries to tell him what she really thinks of him, he tells his band to play louder to drown out her criticisms.

It is Margaret who comes to the rescue of these women, despite their criticisms of her. Even though the women know Richard is a woman-hating monster, they first side with the men, attacking Margaret for making a fuss. Later, as they slowly realize they are all adrift in the same boat—silenced, marginalized, bereft of the men who were meant to defend them—they beg Margaret to show them how to defend themselves. Margaret teaches the women to undermine the personification of misogyny who takes over their country by force. She teaches them to hammer him relentlessly for his grotesque crimes. She teaches them to resist his dubious charms. She teaches them to persist.

Unfortunately, few people—even avid theatre-goers—are aware Margaret exists in Richard III. She was a complex character and therefore a problem for actors, producers, and audiences who didn’t want anyone on stage who challenged tyrannical Richard’s lust for power. Think about that for a second. We would rather watch a version of the play in which Richard is a victim of fate than put a woman on stage who directly challenges him. Alternatively, the A-list men who played Richard over the years couldn’t handle sharing the limelight with a sassy woman who made them look bad. However they rationalized it, Margaret was cut out of two hundred years of productions of Richard III.

When Margaret disappeared, her scenes with the other women in the play ceased to make sense, and the women’s roles were stripped until they were nearly powerless. Which is too bad, because an uncut Richard III is a showcase of powerful women who see through Richard’s shiny veneer while the men in the play suck up to him.

Margaret teaches us what we should already know—what all women should already know. We must challenge the criticisms sexist men level at powerful, complex women. And we must challenge the narrative of the women who buy into their crap. Because those same women can and will find themselves adrift and powerless with no one to defend them. We must stand strong together.

This has been my personal narrative over the last year and half of this election cycle. I’ve drawn inspiration from the notion that Mrs. Clinton was my modern-day Margaret—the Shakespeare version who fights tooth and nail for what she believes is right. Mrs. Clinton persisted through every sexist cross-examination, all the name calling, and the put-downs. I was with her through it all and felt inspired once again during her heartfelt concession speech the morning after Election Day. But now I’m not so sure I’ve got this right.

On a wet November evening over a glass of wine, my husband asked our neighbor what stage of post-election grief she was in. “Bargaining,” she said, without hesitation. The recount had been funded and she was hoping for the best without any real hope for a change in the outcome. That’s when I realized I was stuck in Stage 2: Anger. My husband was confused when I tried to articulate this. He said, “You’ve been angry all along.” He was right, but this was different. I had been angry at Donald Trump, fake news, Russian hacking, and the email scandal. I was angry at myself because I didn’t understand how this could happen. I still don’t. I don’t understand why anyone would knowingly support a candidate who offers vague promises of making a great country better by putting people down: Mexicans, women, Muslims, scientists. The list is lengthy and absurd, and you’ve heard it before.

No one ever got ahead in this world by holding others back. No life was ever improved by telling others how to live. And that’s I have been proud to be a member of the party that stands for things, not against things. It was the party that stood for affirmative action, women’s rights, voting rights, the middle class. It stood for hope and change—real change. I voted for Mrs. Clinton not just because she was my party’s candidate, and not just because she was our first woman candidate. I voted for her to lead, because I believed she would be a good leader. But now I’m not so sure.

The recount is progressing under Jill Stein’s leadership. The House Democrats are in disarray under Nancy Pelosi. The entire Democratic Party feels like it’s imploding. And Mrs. Clinton is where exactly? When did the party of hope and change become the party of wait and see, the party of hope for the best? When did Secretary Clinton decide that not making a fuss was the best course of action? Why is she letting someone else fight her battles? Did I miss a memo?

I’m angry because I feel lost, and I have no idea where to direct my energies. I’m ready to fight, but I don’t know where the battle lines are drawn. I don’t know how to get to the front. And I don’t know who to follow.

Mrs. Clinton should be leading the charge. With nothing left to lose, she should roar. She should sound her barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world until every vote is counted accurately. She should be standing up and shouting down her detractors. She should be making the biggest fuss of her life. She should get tough, and she should get nasty.

If she does, I will follow. And I suspect millions of Americans will too. She can still be my Margaret. She can be our Margaret. But we can’t follow someone who isn’t leading.

The monetization of motherhood part 1

For me it started with Martha Stewart Living and Real Simple magazines. The glossy spreads abound with plenty: stunning pictures of complex foodstuffs and homemade decorations set in perfectly organized and bedecked living spaces without a trace of dog hair or a hint of perspiration. The colorful covers call out to women standing in grocery aisles and rushing past newsstands. They promise that she can do it all—if she just tries a little harder, works a little smarter, or cares more for her family. And they don’t discriminate! Any woman, all women, working moms and stay-at-home moms too can be better at everything. But first we have to recognize that whatever we are doing now is not good enough.

If we buy the glossy magazine and take the advice of a very large and well-funded staff of professional and highly-paid designers, we too can be better women. The articles claim to provide miracle cures for disorganized closets, overbooked work weeks, wardrobe malfunctions, and healthy meals made at home.

But really they are just designed to make women feel bad about themselves. One glance at the article “7 Steps to a Clean Bathroom” and you’ll realize your germaphobia is justified; your bathroom isn’t really clean. Right next to that you’ll find an article titled “7 Flattering Dresses for Full-Figured Women” and you’ll think, hooray it’s finally cool to be full-figured except now that means everyone will notice that I’m wearing the wrong dress! We all know how this works, but we fall for it anyway. Because if I keep buying what they’re selling maybe one day we’ll finally learn how to fold those fitted sheets from Hell so they stack neatly in the closet. Yeah, right.

This is the phenomenon that I’ve recently started referring to as the monetization of motherhood. Although it applies to all women, I think mothers feel it the most. Working mothers experience the guilt of leaving their children to be cared for by people who are not their parents five days a week and the shame of not having the time to make cookies for the bake sale or hand stitch the perfect Halloween costume. Stay-at-home moms feel like, because home is their work, their homes and their children and they themselves must be perfectly coiffed at a moment’s notice seven days a week.

If our cupcakes don’t look like Martha’s, no one will want to eat them. If our houses are not decorated like something out of the Pottery Barn catalog, no one will want to visit. If our children are not wearing hats and scarves made by mommy, no one will play with them. What’s a gal to do?

Personally, I do my best to resist these feelings of inadequacy. I haven’t touched an issue of Real Simple in years. I indulge myself in the Halloween issue of Martha Steward Living, but I almost never follow a recipe or complete a craft project because, seriously Martha, WTF is up with the individually wrapped pie slices?

It’s easy to shrug this off as a joke. But I’ve known too many smart women who fall for this crap to not take it seriously. Too many women think they are not doing enough for their families (and for themselves now too because if we’re doing everything else the magazines say we’re meant to but we’re not taking time for “self-love” and “self-care,” then we’re still screwing up). Beyond the insane personal feelings of defectiveness, we arrive at an even bigger problem: this cultural trend makes women turn against other women.

It’s just a hop, skip, and jump from “I’m not doing enough” to “Of course she has time to bake for the bake sale. She just sits at home all day with her kids.” And so the “Mommy Wars” rage on.

Maybe this is all obvious, commonplace culture stuff now. But I’m angry about it. I’m angry because this “mommy wars” thing is not something that men, society, media, or culture are doing to women. This is something we are doing to ourselves and to each other. And that makes no sense for two reasons.

  1. The media is targeting us all equally. The message is clear. If you have a uterus, you’re not working hard enough either at home or at work.
  2. We all want the same thing. We want raising children to be recognized as “a real job.”

to be continued…

What is an “act of love”?

As the crescendo of conflict between Elton John and Dolce and Gabbana has risen this week, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the fashion moguls’ original, offending statement that procreation should be “an act of love.” In vitro fertilization (IVF) doesn’t count in their books.

I’m having trouble understanding this. IVF isn’t just for gay couples or unmarried women and their anonymous sperm donating partners. It’s for straight couples too. It’s the great fertility equalizer. The only thing unfair about IVF is that, like most innovative health services in this country, it’s only for couples with the health insurance or private funds to pay for it.

Then there’s the physically, emotionally, and financially grueling process. Women who opt for IVF have to deal with daily crazy-making hormone pills, painful injections, frequent blood tests, invasive uterine examinations, anesthetized egg extraction, stressful embryo implantation, and uncertain genetic testing; then they wait for a positive pregnancy test, handle all the usual risks that come with pregnancy including miscarriage and birth defects and the near-certain risk of low birth weight that is characteristic of IVF babies; meanwhile she has to go to work, exercise, eat right, not allow the hormones and the stress to alienate everyone around her, and manage all of life’s other daily challenges. Her partner (if she’s chosen wisely) frets over how to pay for all this, deals with the crazy-making insurance process, goes to work, makes sure she has enough ice cream, walks the dog, listens to her shouting, dries her tears, and handles everything else she can’t handle. If that’s not an act of love, I don’t know what is.

As an act of love, it beats the pants off of two teenagers fumbling around in the back seat of a car. According to the CDC, in 2012, 305,388 babies were born to girls who were 15–19 years old. The organization RAINN reports that in 2012 an additional 17,342 pregnancies were the result of rape. These are just the ones they know about, and these are just the ones reported in the United States in 2012.

The Huffington Post designed an infographic last year that illustrates unplanned pregnancies (not the same as unwanted, but profoundly compelling) across the US. Apparently 49% of pregnancies are unplanned; and just as you’d expect, women at or below the poverty line are five times more likely (that’s 500% more likely) to experience an unwanted pregnancy. These are the same women who are least likely to have access to healthcare or abortions. PBS says that, of the 1,500,000 children adopted in the US in 2001, 50% were from the child welfare system.

All this makes me wonder about Dolce and Gabbana’s hypocritical insistence that adoption is better than IVF. Where do they think all those unwanted babies come from? Yes, those children need and deserve loving homes. But did D&G stop to think about why?

They did get one thing right: procreation should be an act of love. If that was the measure we used to make choices about access to healthcare, a lot more women would get the care they need, and there would be a lot fewer babies available for adoption. The children would all be in loving homes with healthy parents. And that would be a better world indeed.

Be that crazy aunt

There’s a uniqueness to Italian-American families, of claiming relations who are not related. I suspect it has something to do with the long hangover of their immigrant status. Or perhaps it’s to do with the fluid sense of family that comes from fleeing fascism with friends and neighbors or the high birth and high mortality rates of the 20th century. Maybe it’s a phenomenon unique to my Italian-American family. Or maybe it is not unique at all. All I can tell you is that I have an Uncle Mike. He was my dad’s best friend in college. And he is not now, nor was he ever, related to me. (It turns out his name isn’t even Mike, but that’s a story for another time.) And yet, I dutifully refer to him as “Uncle Mike” even though I’m 40 now and by all accounts a grown up.

I refer to all my uncles—the blood relations and the not-so-related ones—as “uncle.” It’s the same with my aunts. There were three in particular. (I’m referring to aunts now. Please keep up.) My dad and his brothers (my “real uncles”) used to debate which of them was the craziest. Probably not the most appropriate conversation to have with a seven year old, but what did they know about little girls?

My three aunts: they were like Macbeth’s witches, ceaselessly cackling, chattering, and pinching my cheeks. They seemed impossibly old to me when I was little. (They must have been in their fifties; heaven help me if I think 50 is old when I get there.) I thought for sure I would end up in the lasagna if I crossed them. Not literally of course, because it was impossible to cross them. They laughed easily and thought everything I did was delightful. Every time I slammed the screen door to the kitchen, ran to the beach barefoot, dropped wet towels on the patio, my grandmother shrieked at me. And the aunts would chuckle. Every visit, I was commanded to stand before them and report on my goings-on. I felt like a performing monkey, bracing myself against the inevitable pinching. Once they had their fill of abusing my cheeks, I would race away, leaving them to their high-pitched gossip.

There was crazy Aunt Marianne, crazy Aunt Tina, and Aunt Rose. I don’t know how Aunt Rose escaped the insane appellation with which the other two were labeled. In truth, none of them was crazy. Well actually, Aunt Tina was kind of crazy. But I’m not sure any of them deserved the designation. And anyway, it was a sobriquet spoken with fondness.

Aunt Tina was an illustrator when her hand was steady and her eyesight was sharp. Best known for Mommy, Where Do Babies Come From? and The Littlest Snowman Rescues Christmas, her work was dark, but highly emotive and beautifully executed. She lost her teenage daughter to an infection and never recovered from the grief. We did think she was a bit crazy, but it was a cracked, eccentric kind of crazy, stuck like a thorn in her broken heart.

Aunt Rose looked after Aunt Tina. They lived near each other but apart. They traveled as a set, crazy Aunt Tina and Aunt Rose, visiting my grandmother as an inseparable unit. I don’t remember ever seeing one without the other. It occurs to me now, they were so much together, perhaps we referred to them together as well. When we said “crazy Aunt Tina and Aunt Rose” we only had to say “crazy” once because of course we were talking about both of them.

Crazy Aunt Marianne traveled alone. There was nothing at all crazy about her. She was sharp as a tack and always supportive of my grandmother. Her regular visits to my grandparents were a wonder given that no restitution was offered for her long drives. We never went to see her, which was shameful and bordering on tragic because we saw very little of her or the other two aunts after my grandmother died.

The lesson I learned—I think we all learned—was that family would come to us. We needn’t go to them. This is hardly a recipe for long-term family-relationship success given the inevitability of aging and our lack of self-driving cars to chauffer ailing aunties to family gatherings. After my dear uncle died last year, I resolved to be better about accepting invitations to family events, making the drive no matter how inconvenient, going to the party even if it’s for a barely-known cousin. You only get one family so accept the invitations while they’re forthcoming. Because if you say no too many times, the invitations dwindle and dry up. And what could be better than becoming known as the crazy auntie who always shows up?

Ever wondered why they call it caterwauling?

According to the US Navy, tomorrow, March 17 is the real spring equinox this year. Daylight and night will be in near-perfect balance for our St. Patrick’s Day delights. This is not just a fun fact; it’s vital information, because it tells us when to expect the false dawn, that brightening of the sky that wakes creatures that don’t sleep in pitch black curtained bedrooms. This week, astronomical twilight happens around 5:20 am, and it gets earlier and earlier until midsummer’s eve. Why pay attention to such a thing? Because in our house it’s become known as the caterwauling hour.

This morning it started quietly enough. There was a tentative “Meow” from outside the bedroom door shortly after 5 am. The hour seemed more like night than day. And the first noises echoed in my dreams, gently rousing me from sleep.

And then it got louder.

Cat [in an itty bitty kitty voice]: Hello? Hello?

[pause long enough for humans to fall back to sleep]

Cat: Hello? Are you there? I’m out here.

[pause long enough for humans to fall back to sleep]

Cat [louder, and more insistent]: Helloooo? I’m still out here. It’s lonely out here.

[pause]

Cat: Helloooo? I’m still out here. I know you’re in there. I’m really lonely. And I’m hungry.

Cat: Helloooo? Still here. And you’re still in there. I’m lonely. And hungry. This isn’t fair!

[pause while humans pretend to sleep, thinking, If we don’t move, she’ll give up and go away.]

Cat: Really! I want to be in there. And I’m going to stay out here until you let me in there. It’s not fair! She’s in there. Why can’t I be in there?

Sound of scraping noises as cat claws at the gap between door and floor.

[pause]

Cat: Helloooo? I know you can hear me! This is really unfair! Really, really unfair!

[pause long enough for humans to drift off again, thinking they’ve won]

Cat [aside in a silent kitty soliloquy]: What has the giant cat got that I don’t have? Okay, she’s a goliath, but she’s not nearly as cute. Sure, she’s black and hairy and wags her tail like me. But when was the last time she brought the Food Lady a bird or a mouse or three birds and a mouse in the same week? Is she even a real cat? She’s like a mutant panther or something. Why does she get to sleep in there? And why does she get that awesome bed? It’s soft and warm and big enough for me too. But does she share? And why does she get fed before me? The Food Lady cuddles her. And escorts her on outings twice a day. They take her away for days and day. And leave me here. All alone. For what seems like forever. Maybe it’s the Food Lady’s fault. This never happened before the Food Lady and the giant hairy one moved in. And she wonders why I roll around in her laundry? Hah! It’s funny when the Food Lady sneezes. Maybe if I get myself worked up enough, I can throw up a hair ball in her shoes. Let’s see…

Cat [caterwauling]: Helloooo! Helloooo! Helloooo! I know you can hear me! I’m still out here! This is really unfair! Really, really unfair! I’m not going away! I know you can hear me there! They can hear me next door!

Female human [silent aside while burrowing deeper under the duvet]: Not my cat. Not moving. Don’t care how much noise she makes. If he makes me go out there, I may have to choke her.

Cat [caterwauling]: Helloooo! Helloooo! Helloooo! Still here!

Male human [rolling out of bed and groaning in defeat]: I’m going to choke her now.

Dog yawns and falls back to sleep.

The End.

Notice to readers
No cats, dogs, humans, or panthers were harmed during the writing of this blog post.

 

At my age

My new OBGYN starts every sentence with the phrase “at your age.” She says, “At your age, you should be doing [everything differently].” In response to every question I ask, she replies, “Well at your age you might want to try [something for old people].”

This flies in the face of all the “Forty Is the New Thirty” hoopla I keep reading in overhyped media stories about celebrity bodies and the wisdom one achieves in her forties. I suspect this flimflam editorializing is the work of propagandist Generation Xers who have all turned forty recently. None of the pop psychology pseudo-science referred to in these publicity stunt blog posts is getting through to my doctor or to my uterus.

I think that’s because my doctor is twelve years old. Sorry, that’s unfair. She’s fourteen. She and Doogie Howser could be pals, except she’s not old enough to remember Doogie Howser, M.D.. Okay, okay, now I’m just doing the bitter reverse ageism thing. My best guess is that she has probably reached the ripe age of thirty-two, which according to Wikipedia, puts her squarely in between Generation X and Generation Y. Dear Universe, please don’t let her be a Millennial. She was my only way into the specialized women’s health practice that handles my um, special circumstances.

Her “At your age” commentary grates on me like fingernails on a chalkboard. She talks about my uterus in dog years. My body may be forty, but my ovaries are sixty-five. I’m ready to enjoy the financial stability of my mid-career earning years. But my eggs—the ones that haven’t been flushed like goldfish—are moving to Boca Raton, and they ain’t comin’ back. My fallopian tubes? Fuggedaboutit.

And here’s the punchline: it’s all true. The Lady Parts don’t age like the Gentleman’s Parts. They don’t even age like the rest of our body ages. They just go verkakte at some point. The awful truth is that Lili von Shtupp was right, “Everything below the waist is kaput!

Honestly, I really like my doctor. This “At your age” verbal tick is less insulting than the doctor who informed me when I was thirty-four, “You’ll never be as young as you are today.” She is smart and cheerful and has the wisdom and compassion to communicate bad news well. And that’s why I comfort myself with the knowledge that she’ll grow out of it. Then she’ll be sorry. Because one day she’ll be forty too.